The Sophian

Issue date: 9/28/06 Section: Features

Media Credit: Melissa Finell and Harper Gernet-Girard

Small talk. Small. Talk. One of the most common elements of our after-summer conversations, small talk is the subject of great controversy between us. Over the last couple of weeks, as we've repeatedly been subjected to small talk, this debate threatens to stretch our already precarious friendship beyond repair.

Harper: Our quality of life would be vastly improved if small talk ceased to exist. No small talk exchange has ever enriched my day or been anything but debilitatingly awkward. "How was your summer?" "What have you been up to?" "Glad to be back at Smith?" These painfully bland questions highlight the fact that the relationship is not consequential enough to stimulate any more interesting conversation. The second I ask these questions, I already know the answers. "Busy, but a lot of fun." "Oh, just working and seeing old friends." "Yes." Even if your answer varies slightly from those given above, chances are I don't care about your internship on the set of "One Tree Hill."

Melissa: You're going about this in completely the wrong way. Imagine bumping into a person you haven't seen or spoken to in four months (most likely by the mailboxes in the Campus Center), and this person greets you with, "My uncle took to the bottle." Now look what you've done: all you wanted was to acknowledge this person's existence and suddenly you're bombarded with alcoholic uncles. We need small talk to prevent these painful moments. Wouldn't you prefer to ask, "How are you?" and hear "Fine, you?" than to plunge immediately into the pangs of life? Small talk eases you into the conversation. You start with "How was your summer?" and work your way up to off-the-wagon relatives.

Harper: Perhaps small talk could help things progress from trivial to serious if the conversation were to go as follows: "Oh hi! How are you?" "Hello. Actually, I'm a wreck." "Oh really, why is that?" "My uncle took to the bottle." Unfortunately, such a conversation would never occur. It is an unstated rule of small talk that the question "How are you?" can only be answered with the responses "Pretty good" or "Fine." Even if you are on the brink of collapse, you must abide by this rule of stoicism. This meaningless exchange of pleasantries can never be useful in any way.

Melissa: Never? What if you're walking by someone quickly and there is only time to blurt out, "Hey, how are you?"

Harper: Don't engage. Quicken your step and avoid eye-contact at all costs.

Melissa: Harper, I'm shocked. I never imagined you as one of those people!

Harper: Well I am one of those people! And you're one of those people that attempts small talk in the bathroom when my mouth is full of toothpaste. Can't I just brush my teeth in peace without having to hear about your trouble logging on to Moodle?

Melissa: Now wait just a minute. I've never advocated mouth-full chitchat. The last thing I want is for you to open that big mouth of yours to reveal a repugnant concoction of saliva and Crest. I'll take alcoholic uncles over that any day.

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